I have never understood the phrase “God never gives you more than you can handle.” The very definition of suicide is people who were given more than they could handle. My life is shit right now and it keeps getting shittier. However, don’t worry about me. I’m a fighter. Plus I’ve always had this nauseatingly responsible mindset. On the other hand, I understand “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.” I apologize for any negativity but I feel its important to share what it’s like for families affected by autism. When you think it can’t get any worse, it does. That doesn’t mean you give up hope. When you think you can go to movies without wrestling in the audience during a meltdown, it happens. That doesn’t mean you stop trying. “May the Force be with you.” Here’s my message to God. I thank you for giving me this life and I appreciate the strength you’ve given me. But my boxing gloves are wearing down and I am sick and tired of lemonade.
Autism sucks but the love I have for my son is immeasurable. That boy amazes me everyday. That “boy” is now eighteen and a grown man. He’s a grown man who still believes in Santa Claus. There’s no need for me to spoil the magic. There’s magic in Cade’s innocence. He doesn’t see things in a vulgar or profane manner. Therefore, it’s important that I teach him such things as covering up his hoo-ha. Even though he knows to cover his hoo-ha his innocence allows him to make other inappropriate decisions. Here’s a scenario for the ladies. Imagine playing your favorite tunes in the bathroom while applying your makeup. Imagine your eighteen year old son entering the bathroom. His hairy ass drops down on the toilet and takes a big steaming dump. Now imagine this grown man squeezing out a brown hand grenade while talking to you about Disney’s Aladdin. Please continue powdering your nose, because if not you’ll just look ridiculous.
His innocence is truly beautiful but it makes teaching him even more challenging. We’ve always tried to give Cade tasks to complete rather than completing them for him. Trust me it would be easier to just do it ourselves but that wouldn’t teach him anything. Plus we’d miss out on times like this.
We sat at the table enjoying our burritos. It was a typical Monday evening and that means one thing in our household. It’s Moe’s Monday. We have been going to Moe’s every Monday for the past few years. Brother-in-law Brett would have a tantrum if we missed Moe’s Monday. There’s nothing more pitiful than watching a forty-five year old man having a panic attack over a burrito. Offering Brett Moe’s on a Tuesday is no consolation so Moe’s Monday it is.
We had just finished eating and I sent Cade to the waste can to empty our plates. I stared in amazement at the amount of crumbs surrounding Brett’s seat. You’d swear a toddler had been sitting there.
“I’ll get it.” I heard Cade shout. The plastic wrapper from one of the straws blew off his tray. As he bent over I heard roars of laughter and disbelief. The entire rear section of the restaurant was given a view they’ll never forget. With the plastic wrapper in hand Cade stood and pulled up his pants. He took a few steps closer to the waste can. This time the wrapper blew in the opposite direction. “I’ll get it.” Again he shouted. This time the front section of the restaurant got to see what they were missing. There was a full moon at Moe’s last Monday night.
Cade left the entire restaurant in awe yet he continued as if nothing unusual happened. His innocence is a thing of beauty. It brings me great joy. Unfortunately, it also brings me great worry.
So here I stand with a big sack of lemons. I am trying my hardest to figure out what to do with them. I feel my self getting weak at the knees. These lemons are weighing me down. I remember when my mother was close to her breaking point. She searched for the beauty in the world.
God’s Great Creation
I hear the music in the spring
The birds up in the air
They fill the world with sun shining
They haven’t got a care
The little blue bird weaves his nest
He’s snuggled in a tree
How lovely is the cardinal
His beauty I can see
The chirping of the mocking-bird
He sings along with glee
The churning of the hummingbird
The robin is so free
The meadowlark is comfortable
The wren she plays a tune
How colorful the bobolink
The spring is coming soon
Come see the joy and beauty
God made them all for you
He’s master of creation
He’s also kind and true
- Rest in peace Mom (November 16, 1934 – October 20, 1985)
Kelly Jude Melerine