When Nothing Else Matters
Patch — Spackle — Sand — Prime — Paint.
That’s how it’s done. Trust me on this one.
It was 2:00 am. Cade just kicked a two foot hole into the wall next to his bed. In other words, migraines suck.
“Why would you do that Cade?” I yelled. I had just patched, spackled, sanded, primed and painted another two foot hole just inches away from this one.
“Fix it Dad,” he cried.
“I’ll fix it later son.” I assured him.
I used to be a bit of a neat freak around the house. Things always had to be just so. Raising a son with autism and taking care of my special needs brother-in-law Brett has changed all of that. You see, in our home things get destroyed as quickly as I repair them. And although most of Cade’s destruction is done purposefully, both he and Brett are so rough that our home interior doesn’t stand a chance. My wife Julee loves the mid-century modern look. Unfortunately, our home has become more of a mid-century fuck it. Closing my eyes, I visualized the potential of this old house.
“One day we’ll be able to invite company over,” I told myself, “without feeling embarrassed.”
I looked toward Cade and he was awfully pale. Before long he was slamming his body onto the floor. With his head landing only inches away from the dresser, I quickly jumped in between. Not to protect the precious furniture mind you, but to provide a safe barrier between Cade and the dresser’s edge. Furiously, the pounding continued.
“Lie down Cade,” I pleaded with him. “And I’ll go get your medicine.”
If only life was that simple. If only Cade would lie still and allow me to help. If only he understood that I could help ease his pain the same way that I mend the holes in our walls. Just as there are steps to proper home improvement, there are steps to alleviating pain.
Slide the dresser — Run to the kitchen — Grab Cade’s medicine — Fill a cup with water — Run back to Cade’s room — Force him to swallow his pill.
That’s how it’s done. Trust me on this one.
It was 2:30 am. There’s a scratch across the wood floor from where I slid the dresser. In other words, the migraine’s gone.
“Hey buddy.” I asked “How are you feeling?”
“Good.” he replied.
In that moment I realized that I can live with a beat up house. When your child is hurting nothing else really matters. Holes can be patched and scratches can be buffed. Both of which, I’ve learned to do very well. Cade went from screaming and thrashing his body to laughing and watching Shrek videos. As for me, I closed my eyes and for the next four hours I slept like a baby.
In these moments when nothing else matters, life is speaking to you. Stop dwelling on insignificant crap. Stop hating on friends and family over differing opinions. Stop stressing the small things and start living. When our journey here has come to an end would any of that had truly been worth it?
- The shirt that I’m wearing in the photos “Disability: noun — not a dirty word” is available from Sevenly at https://www.sevenly.org/.
- Photos by Lauren Adelle Woods
the definition of resilient should be….”see also- special needs parent”.
Thank you for loving Cade. And thank you for sharing him with us.
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You’re the best. Much love for you my friend.
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I’ll be a regular here!
Great writing.
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My dude! Thank you so much. You rock. Let’s meet up soon.
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Beautiful. Just beautiful ❤️
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Thank you so much my friend.
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It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in on you and Cade. I get so much perspective from your sad stories that are also, somehow, funny: much like life itself. The problem with the “stop stressing” advice, though, is that for some of us, it’s like saying “stop your heart beating.” We’d be in a pretty chaotic world if everyone stopped stressing entirely, but I know that’s not what you mean. Your experiences with Cade give you an insight that others need, so keep writing, and keep trying to help us understand what it means to “stress just enough.”
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Thanks my friend. And you’re right. I think I need to change that to “Stop stressing the small things.”
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We have holes in the wall that are a year old. I’m not gonna fix the holes until he’s done kicking the wall. Holes don’t matter. Finding out why Ben is so upset and trying to fix it is what matters.
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Amen to that!
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Well said. I used to worry about the state of my house too, until I realized true friends either pitch in and help or overlook it.
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You got that right!
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The large hole next to Willie’s bed also remains since the last repair, and like you said…that doesn’t matter. Like King Ben’s Grandma said…finding out the triggers is what matters. I read your article and it reminded me that Willie does have pain but we only recognize the obvious, a cavity, a goose egg sized bump…but Willie always says “no!” when asked if something hurts. How did you know Cade has migraines…if I may ask. My daughter and I are also clueless with what sets my grandson off. You are so great for sharing and reminding us that we are not alone.
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Thank you so much for the comment. The headache thing is a long story but here is the abridged version. Cade has been on numerous medications most of his life. None of them have ever helped and they all had side effects. However, we did whatever the doctors recommended. While he was on Abilify he started dropping to the ground and banging his head. I could tell that he was hurting but the doctor insisted that head banging is a psychotic behavior. I disagreed because I truly believed he was hurting and as a parent you just know when your child is hurting. I connected with other people through forums that were taking Abilify and complaining of migraines. It made sense to me. Cade can’t tell me that it feels like a leprechaun is stabbing him in the head with an ice pick so he resorted to banging his head. I mentioned this to the doctor and he dismissed it and talked me into an antipsychotic medication. We did as the doctor recommended and Cade became extremely violent. Each time I mentioned his increased aggressive behavior he was switched to another antipsychotic. Long story short, he ended up hospitalized twice in the adolescent psych unit. I told the hospital doctor again that I believed it was due to medication. He pretty much told me I was a parent and didn’t know what I was talking about. After the second hospital visit, I told the doctors goodbye, quit my job and weened him off all the crazy meds. The nonstop violence stopped almost immediately. After that he would still try to attack me, but only me and only when these headaches occurred. I started with Excedrine anytime I noticed a sign or when he had a full blown outburst and it made a difference. The neurologist here still didn’t think it was migraines. When it comes to children with disabilities, doctors tend to label everything as behavioral issues rather than understand that the underlying issue may be some sort of pain or discomfort. About a year later we were vacationing in Orlando and I could sense Cade was about to blow. Before long he ripped my shirt to shreds and bit down on my shoulder while in the line waiting for his favorite ride. The park’s medics wanted to administer an antipsychotic drug for sedation but I refused. We ended up in the emergency room. The park’s medic gave his take and I gave mine. I explained that Cade suffers from migraines and the reason for his outrageous behavior is because of his limited verbal skills. The doctor actually listened to me. She gave Cade Imitrex for what I stated was a migraine and within minutes he was calm and relaxed. When we got home from the trip I dropped Cade’s neurologist and gave our family doctor the record from the emergency room in Florida. He wrote us a prescription and the rest is history. I can’t tell you how many times that prescription has saved the day. I began tracking Cade’s migraines and the common trigger was seasonal allergies. The bad thing is that his allergy test showed taht he had allergies from every season. We then started Cade on allergy shots and they have made a big difference in the occurrence and severity of his headaches. If I had followed the doctor’s instructions, Cade would be locked up in a facility freaked out on medication that doesn’t agree with him. It’s frightening to think how many kids, especially those with little or no verbal skills are living this nightmare. To sum it up — sometime a parent just knows. I recommend that if you feel it in your gut, don’t let the so called experts discredit you. A good doctor will listen and work with you.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I am sharing this with my daughter, Willie’s mom. It’s amazing how we are blessed with our children and they in turn are blessed with the right parents. I wish all our special needs children had this kind of support and love and determined parenting. Hugs to you, Cade and your brother.
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You are very welcome. All the best to you, Willie and your precious family.
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Always appreciate your posts. You capture a lifetime in a few sentences. Devotion overcomes damage. Relationships take priority in repairs. Fatherhood is “fixing” things, in the best sense of the word. That’s how it’s done. I trust you.
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You are awesome my friend. Thank you so much.
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Your writing and descriptive phrases are SO “on spot!” Thanks for sharing. This is TRUE life in dealing with autism…love, anguish, peaceful times, joy, sorrow, and it goes on…the full circle! Keep up the good work and good writing! You are a “special” dad!
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Thank you so much. It’s all about love.
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Like always your posts touch me, and the last paragraph is so true. Your a role model and a rock star. I learn so much form you. Keep doing what your doing. Wish I was there to help out, all I can do is send positive vibes from afar.
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My dude! I miss you. My wife and I might try to make it out to Portland sometime this summer.
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Right there with ya. Just finished spackling shut a hole where my son put his head through the wall. It’s a whole new meaning to ”the lived in look”
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They should put us parents on HGTV. We’ll teach them a few things. LOL!
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Haha totally!
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When I was looking after my parents-in-law long distance, there was a fungi about 12 inches in diameter growing in the hallway. I battled it with a mask on. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and live in the moment. None of the dirt, dust and decay shortened their lives – just made me stressed.
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Kelly I tell you that you are an amazing guy. Your stories lift off the page just as if one is there in real time. I will miss you Dude.
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Thank you. I miss you already. I smiled every time I walked past your desk. Let’s definitely get together for dinner or some shit like that. 🙂
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Kelly, I admire you so much! Cade is so lucky to have you as his father. Someone who loves him unconditionally and someone who won’t rest until he is comfortable. God knew that Cade would need you as much as you needed him.
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Thank you so much. You rock!
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