You Farted

You Farted

“Nana…” Standing in line at the Walmart checkout counter, Cade calls for my sister Iris’s attention, “You want a candy.”

By “you,” Cade means himself. Everyone else says “you” when referring to him. Therefore, he does the same.

“Sure my baby,” she tells him. “Get whatever you want.”

And so he does. Reaching for a Butterfinger, Cade’s smile stretches eagerly across his face. Anxiously awaiting the moment that his candy passes over the supermarket’s barcode scanner, he opens his Youtube app.

“Nana,” Cade laughs. “You watch Hitler.”

“No Cade,” Nana declares. “You don’t watch Hitler. Why would you do that?”

In all honesty, it’s just some random goofy video of an animated figure walking gloomily through life to Radiohead’s smash hit “Creep.” Hitler’s face is superimposed upon the figure and that’s about the extent of Cade’s knowledge of Hitler. I don’t know how Cade finds these crazy videos or why he’s so entertained by them but that’s just part of the beauty of being Cade.

The cashier lifts the checkout divider and starts scanning my sister’s items. Loretta is her name, a good old country girl. Two things are obviously important to Loretta — good customer service and a good can of hairspray. One might describe Loretta’s style as retro. Her hair is a vibrant fiery red, a color unexpected on a mature rural woman. But it’s these unexpected things that make a person interesting. Her roller set hair is teased and combed making it look as if she’s ready for a B-52’s new wave reunion.

“Are these any good?” Adjusting her bifocals, Loretta asks.

“Actually, I’m just trying those for the first time,” Nana replies.

“Well honey,” declares Loretta. “You let me know how they are. I heard that they were delicious.”

“Pppppprrrrrrttttt…” The smell of raw sewage encapsulates checkout lane 5.

Loretta peers through the top of her glasses, clears her throat and again starts scanning.

“How about these?” Carefully observing Nana’s package of low carb tortillas, Loretta asks. “Are these any good?”

“Pppppprrrrrrttttt…”

Immediately Cade starts cracking up. “Nana,” he confesses. “You farted.”

Looking a bit stunned, Loretta once again clears her throat and resumes scanning Nana’s items.

“No Cade.” Nana’s eyes open wide with embarrassment. “I didn’t do that. Tell Ms. Loretta who did that.”

“Nana,” hysterically he continues. “You did that.”

Cade has always spoken of himself in the third person. Having a child with limited verbal skills, you get to know their unique nuances. Things that occur on the simplest of errands with Cade are always unexpected. However, much like Loretta’s hair color, it’s these unexpected things that make a person interesting.

“Pppppprrrrrrttttt…” The putrid air passes along the brussel sprouts lining Cade’s intestines.

“Cade!” Nana exclaims. “Tell Ms. Loretta who farted.”

“You did.” Now beet red with laughter, Cade shouts. “You farted!”

“Pppppprrrrrrttttt…”

“Oh my!” Loretta slightly chuckles and scans the last few items remaining on the belt.

Ready to swipe her card and escape with her dignity, my sister stands by.

“How about these?” Lifting Nana’s box of Extra Strength Gas-x tablets, Loretta gives my sister a deadpan stare. “Are these any good?’